Scream Screen 2021: Week 2 (10/8-10/14)

10.8: The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs: Halloween Hoedown (2021)

Neutral/dual pick – highly anticipated release

Rating: Shudder and TLDI Crew brought us a double feature of Angel and Terror Train. In the spirit of lovingly curated pairings, what classic pairing would you pair with this pairing?

Jess: It’s salty, it’s sweet, and it brings me great comfort – just like my beloved pairing of Wendy’s fries dipped in a Frosty.

Trav: The movies in this special weren’t bad, but I didn’t like them as much as I wanted to. This special thrived when the guests were on screen talking about film and the occasional Halloween Kills discussion. So I’ll pair it with something that sounds good in theory, but I don’t like as much as I wanted to. And that would be professional sports and basketball, so tge NBA. College ball is just more entertaining.

10.9: Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Meyers (1988)

Trav’s pick

Rating: Because Trav gets such a “fall feeling” from this film, what classic fall activity would you pair with this attempted revitalization at what was seen to be the heart of the Halloween franchise? (We will get into Halloween 3 in the new year.)

Jess: This movie has Jamie Lloyd, but it also has Loomis. So I guess it’s like drinking apple cider with a bit too much cinnamon.

Trav: I suggest watching this movie while painting/carving pumpkins because the opening scene will immediately put you in the mood to get those fall decorations out.

10.10: Sorority Row (2009)

Jess’s pick

Rating: What cliche college memory are you pairing with this campus slasher?

Jess: I’m going to go with a wild party. You have plenty of them, but you still have a good time.

Trav: Eating food from the cafeteria after a night of drinking. Sure it’s not the best, but sometimes it hits the spot when you need it to.

10.11: Vigilante (1982)

Trav’s pick

Rating: We discovered while watching this movie that Jess can’t recognize landmarks, so what notable landmark are you pairing with this grungy 80s vengeance story?

Jess: I’ll go with Niagara Falls, because I’m pretty sure I’d recognize it, but there are a lot of other waterfalls in the world. I really liked this movie, but called out a lot of other movies it reminded me of during.

Trav: Central Park, cause this movie takes place in New York City and allegedly that place can get very gritty at night like this movie does.

10.12: Jennifer’s Body (2009)

Jess’s pick

Rating: What late-aughts single pairs perfectly with this late-aughts demon fest?

Jess: I will always fuck with Curse of Curves by Cute is What We Aim For, and even though this is my first viewing I will always fuck with Jennifer’s Body.

Trav: You Only Live Once by The Strokes. It hits hard like this movie and kinda applies with the only living once part, except that kinda doesn’t happen in this movie but oh well.

10.13: Final Destination (2000)

Neutral/dual pick – naughty podcasters did not manage their time and needed something familiar on while finishing everything up for this week’s episode

Rating: Double feature! Pair this movie that launched a franchise with another movie featuring one of FD’s stars.

Jess: I gotta go with an Ali Larter double feature and pair this with Legally Blonde. I think I deserve bonus points because her character names are related, too – Clear Rivers and Brook Taylor Windham.

Trav: Tony Todd may play a very minor role in Final Destination, but his scene had a lot of impact. So obviously I’m gonna choose him in his most notable horror role, Candym-psych! Imma give it to Hatchet, where he plays Reverend Zombie, another minor yet impactful character.

10.14: Videodrome (1983)

Trav’s pick

Rating: What late night TV channel/program pairs perfectly with this Cronenburg masterpiece?

Jess: This feels like when I would fall asleep watching some random channel while in a hotel room on vacation, then wake up in the middle of the night, be very confused by what is on but ultimately intrigued to the point that I stay up to finish watching it, look it up so I know what it is. and make Trav watch it with me in full the next day.

Trav: This is like the paid programming slot on Adult Swim, which very much NOT paid programming, but in fact very creepy and surreal horror such as Too Many Cooks and Unedited Footage of a Bear. Yeah that’s Videodrome.

Scream Screen 2021: Week 1 (10/1-10/7)

10.1: Halloween (2007)

Trav’s pick

Rating: What is the perfect Halloween candy pairing for this Rob Zombie remake of the John Carpenter classic?

Jess: Take 5. It’s a new take on an old classic, and there is a lot going on, but I don’t hate it.

Trav: Twizzlers. I originally hated this movie, but it grew on me and lately it’s become one of my favorite entries in the series…much like Twizzlers have with me.

10.2: Among Friends (2012)

Jess’s pick

Rating: What party game is the best pairing for this Danielle Harris directed flick?

Jess: Monopoly, mostly cuz everyone is being an ass.

Trav: Mario Party, ’cause this game makes you realize how shitty your friends really are.

10.3: Frankenhooker (1990)

Trav’s pick

Rating: For this Troma special, we ask: what is the perfect power tool pairing?

Jess: Well, we all know I love a power drill. And “drill” does seem to be the operative word…

Trav: I recommend the tool that seemed to be missing on screen yet is very crucial to the story: The buzz saw.

10.4: Bait (2012)

Jess’s pick

Rating: What grocery shopping trip staple pairs perfectly with this Australian shark attack thriller?

Jess: Pasta sauce, but something spicy like arrabiatta, because it is pretty standard but still has a little kick

Trav: Milk and bread, ’cause if there’s anything I’ve learned from extreme weather events it’s that you gotta stock up on those two for whatever reason.

10.5: Maniac Cop (1988) [The Last Drive-In version]

Trav’s pick

Rating: For our first TLDI rewatch of the month – one filled with TLDI legends and featuring guest Bruce Campbell – we will be pairing this killer cop thriller with another TLDI guest.

Jess: I think the frantic passion of Maniac Cop can only be paired properly with recurring guest Chris Jericho.

Trav: Maniac Cop is a movie that hits all the typical slasher beats, but has a pleasant quirkiness that makes it feel unique and genuine. So I’ll go with Clint Howard, the most down to earth and honest guest on the show so far.

10.6: V/H/S/94

Neutral/joint pick – anticipated new release

Rating: What beloved childhood VHS are you pairing with this newly released anthology horror?

Jess: Probably my Muppet Babies tape because I remember it actually not working at one point after watching it so much, and this is one of the V/H/S series that I will come back to over and over again.

Trav: Gotta go with the old school Dragon Ball Z VHS tapes from back in the day. Each set’s spines combined into a nice image from the series. All very nostalgic, just like this movie was for me.

10.7: Cry_Wolf (2005)

Jess’s pick

Rating: In honor of JBJ getting shot through the heart, what dad rock anthem pairs perfectly with this mid-aughts slasher?

Jess: I’m going with Don’t Stop Believing. Is it good? I don’t really know. But much like every radio station has decided with the Journey single, this movie is a classic for me.

Trav: I’m choosing AC/DC’s You Shook Me All Night because most of their songs sound the same, what with the guitar riffs and all. Much like slashers from the 2000’s were all kinda the same, what with the Jared Padalecki and all.

Scream Screen 2021: An Introduction

For the past several years we, like most horror fans, have acknowledged as October the holy month it is and watch a horror movie (or more) a night. While some fans will create their dream lineup ahead of time, we choose to instead go night by night, taking turns on who gets to pick the move for the night. No one gets a veto unless it is for a valid reason (e.g. when I was in grad school with a paper deadline and we couldn’t realistically follow a subbed movie).

Each year we keep track of our picks and find some arbitrary rating system. One year it was emojis, another it was gifs. One year we each wrote a single sentence review of each night’s movie. We have titled this practice our annual Scream Screen.

We’ve decided to track our schedule publicly this year, just to share with you – our dear community. We will post each Friday in October (plus a final post on or around 11/1).

Our arbitrary rating system? Our perfect pairing for a movie. It’ll be something different for each: drinks, snacks, another movie, mindless hobbies, or whatever other oddity comes to mind. For example:

9.25: Scream (1996)

Jess’s Pick

What true crime coverage media pairs perfectly with this Wes Craven staple?

Jess: Bailey Sarian for sure. There’s no way that Billy and Stu wouldn’t want all the coverage they can get, especially in unexpected spaces like Beau-Tube.

Trav: Evil Genius, cause I’m sure the docuseries on Stu and Billy would be just as weird

Nia DaCosta’s Candyman (2021)

I was in middle school – possibly early high school – the first time I saw Bernard Rose’s Candyman (1992).  It scared the everliving fuck out of me.  Naturally, I immediately went into the single bathroom of our family house, turned out the light, and repeated “Candyman” into the mirror five times.

To this day, I am convinced that if I stumble into a dark bathroom Tony Todd will appear and gut me.

Over the years, I’ve grown to appreciate the nuance of the terror created by the movie.  It isn’t just the paranoia caused by the legend itself, but the paranoia – among other things – that created the legend.

Nia DaCosta’s sequel absolutely lives up to the legacy.  The script, co-written by DaCosta, Jordan Peele, and Win Rosenfeld, ties in to the original in a logical way that feels depressingly realistic.  The story has a lot to it, but I didn’t find the smaller details to detract from the main plot.  Rather, they served to more fully flesh out the world of Candyman and create a more engaging experience for the audience.  There are several non-intrusive details that tie the 1992 movie to present-day that feel like an acknowledgement of what we as viewers were hoping to see.

You find yourself really caring about the characters, and the cast does a wonderful job bringing them to life.  Yahya Abdul-Mateen II and Teyonah Parris anchor the movie and give it heart.  While there are many wonderful performances in the movie (and I don’t want to go into too much detail lest I spoil), I found my heart especially torn by the brief appearance of Michael Hargrove.

DaCosta’s directing is the real standout.  Each scene is beautiful and intentional.  Not one moment or frame is wasted, and she pulls some really interesting tricks to show what is meant to be happening.

Trav and I both highly recommend this movie.  It absolutely lives up to the hype.

Eight Legged Freaks (2002) Drinking Game

Ready to make your spidey senses (among other things) tingle? Pour yourself a glass of something tasty and pop in the early-aughts camp fest about mutant spiders and the power of love. Or something like that.

We encourage everyone to drink responsibly. Stay home. Don’t drive. Don’t text your ex. Don’t text that family member that’s been pissing you off on social media. Don’t share a plate of nachos with your dog, especially if you put onions on your nachos. DO drink plenty of water! DO know your limits!

Drink once every time

  • there is an adorable spider sound effect
  • Chris is mysterious/vague
  • Harlan talks about conspiracy theories
  • a human dies
  • every time Chris is cut off from confessing his love for Sam
  • (bonus: every time a spider dies)

Drink twice

  • for the bike scene
  • every time a (non-spider) animal dies

Drink three times

  • for “Arach-attack!”
  • for “Eight legged freaks!”

Blood Donor

A Short Story

As I climb the rickety trailer stairs, I am grotesquely aware of the weighty finality of my decision.  I ponder how odd it is that they’d entrust us and our precious liquid panacea to this aluminum box on wheels, or, as they happily call it, the Blood-Mobile.  Surely they hear me arriving, are able to match it to their appointment book and draw their conclusions as to who I am; would they hear me flee?  Would they stop me?  Could I do it?  It’s a pointless thought experiment regardless, as my feet continue forward independently of my terror.

Every twelve weeks the Blood-Mobile sits in our parking lot, a part of what the company I’d found myself working for (that was, what, four years ago?  Yes, I’d just graduated and the job was at least slightly in my field.  I worked my way up through the ranks – my first boss becoming my de facto mentor.  He’d really appreciated my work ethic and out-of-the-box thinking.  He saw me as being on the management track.  Other managers initially disagreed, but they couldn’t deny it when I got shit done for them personally.  Except for goddamn Susan… Stop!  You’re trying to postpone this and they surely know you’re here by now) called their Give Back Initiative.  I knew Glen, our in-house consultant, devised the program and referred to it as corporate social responsibility.  But was he out here volunteering?  Not today.  Maybe in the early days, but the stakes were so much higher and everyone’s tension tight enough to snap at the slightest provocation.  No, Glen was inside, on the top floor, surrounded by Susan and the other tight-ass managers who deemed him Exempt From Donation while I was out here, Making a Difference, seemingly only at my own expense.

Really, though, there is no denying that I would be – am – Making a Difference.  My blood type is O Negative.   Universal donor.  Universally revered.  Universally expected to Give Back.  I remember my freshman year of high school, when we got our basic introduction to genotypes and phenotypes and blood types and whatever else.  Supposedly this is a basic tenet of biology education, but it butted up quite neatly to the school’s bi-annual blood drive.  I’m a cynic now and I was a cynic then, and I sure as shit don’t believe that strongly in coincidences.

If you’ve never donated:  within a couple weeks of your first quasi-sacrificial offering you’re sent (in the mail.  The goddamn mail!  They can tell me my iron levels instantaneously as I lay in a cot in the middle of the school’s cafeteria but once I’ve given 10% of MY LIFE FORCE I need to wait on the Pony Express to give me my fucking medical information??) a card with your donation amount, date, and blood type.  Because the blood type lesson and blood drive aligned so closely with midterms Mr. Fisbourne offered extra credit if we brought in this card, doubled if we got our parents’ blood types and completed a Punnett Square.

I wouldn’t say I’m phobic of needles or anything, but I’m not phillic either.  But my old man was a tough old shit and mean as hell, and I was failing biology – with a capital F.  So I sucked it up and donated and got his and my mom’s blood types and cried filling out a complicated Punnett Square (those things are a BITCH for blood types) and shared it with the class.  Then, twelve years ago, I learned I was a universal donor – as in, anyone who wants my blood can have it – and my life went to shit.

I didn’t go to college in my hometown, but I might as well have.  (Except for my old man.  He wasn’t there and that’s really all I ever wanted, right?  And I really ended up getting what I wanted, didn’t I?  Oh yes I did.  That’s a necessary outcome in this particular timeline, isn’t it?)  I stayed here after graduation, and got this job and the manager track even if fucking Susan hated me for it.  And two years ago Glen joined me here.  He was in my graduating class but went on for his Masters and wound up in the same place as me, with no need for a manager track because he was a special one-man department.  And this one-man department specialized in kissing community ass and making up for its exploitation of the less-educated local workforce by setting up a quarterly blood drive.

Fuck.  How long have I been holding onto the flimsy little screwed-on handle of the folding trailer door?  Will my reminiscing postpone the inevitable in any meaningful way?

No.

I pulled back the door.  It stuck part way along its track.  I jerked it open further – evidently with a little more force than intended, because the top peg came completely off its track.  The tech sitting by the door sighed and stood up to fix it.  I’m not the first afflicted with such anxiety-bolstered strength, apparently.

I sat on a small vinyl-clad bench built into the vehicle while the tech fixed my mess.  When he turned around, I saw a badge reading JEFF and two very tired eyes that looked upon me with a mixture of disgust and pity.  Surely he’s seen a nervous donor or two in his tenure?

Jeff asks me the standard questions: name, date of birth, address, emergency contact.  Questions standard of any of the doctor office visits I’d had in the past year, but there was more scrutiny present.  I suppose they couldn’t afford to screw this up.

I can’t hide my shivers.  Jeff glances at me.  Perhaps it’s nerves, perhaps it’s the AC blasting.  Supposedly it’s good for the nausea some get during donation.  Either way, Jeff avoids discussing it.  There are more important matters (my blood) at hand.

Even I have to admit that Glen’s idea was a great one.  Our county, much like the county I’d left behind, parents and all, was suffering a blood shortage.  Blood drives were becoming more common in companies our size and larger – common enough that the blood center had to request additional funding for more Blood-Mobiles to meet the guilt-assuaging, socially responsible corporate-demand-disguised-as-charity of the local community.

Of course, that was two years ago.  The blood shortage has become a fully global crisis since then.  Local blood drives have been sharing their blood with neighboring county hospitals pending demand.  Hence, my blood has become a truly universal need.

I realize Jeff has asked me the same question multiple times now.  What was once a stoic yet bored tone has now become slightly annoyed.

“Sorry?”

“Who is your emergency contact?  Or your next of kin?  Whoever we need to contact.”

That would be my husband.  When I told him of the pressures I was getting at work to donate, he looked down and to the side for a very, very long time.  Finally he told me he didn’t disagree.  That was pretty much the end of my fighting then and there.  God knows we’d both suffered enough loss recently, him more than me.  And as big believers in the Greater Good, we’d agreed as a couple a long time ago that saving a life was more than a noble cause – it was the fundamental reason for existence.  Make the world a better place than how you’d found it.  Even if you only have a small part, it still makes a difference for somebody.  My old man, for all his flaws, had had this same philosophy.  His company, funnily enough, had had the same philosophy as my company too…

I’ve finished answering the personal verification and legal follow-through questions and am directed to a tiny booth that could provide no realistic semblance of privacy in this RV.  This tech (nametag: MANDY) asks me various questions that are simultaneously more and less personal than those Jeff just covered with me:  current medications, date of last period, known sexual encounters.  I wonder if anyone has ever lied about these to avoid donation.

Apparently I’ve wondered this out loud, because Mandy takes a brief pause and answers me, voice thick, “You’d be surprised how honest people are at this point, even if they don’t want to be.”

I’ve become one of these unwittingly honest participants, because at this point it’s time for the iron test.  I pass this with little difficulty, only to find my heart rate is too high at the next phase.

“Take in a slow, deep, breath,” Mandy instructs me.

I am aware of thinking that in high school this had been grounds for dismissal from the blood drive.  I guess things are different with a Global Blood Shortage Crisis.

I am also vaguely aware that these deep breaths must have slowed my heart rate enough to pass, because I am led to a bench lifted at a slight angle on one end.  Across the aisle is Andy from HR.  He’s another O- with whom I’ve commiserated during the last two blood drives; we wondered when the pressure to donate – as Universal Donors, after all – would be so great that it would force us to crumble.  I see the needle in his arm and a nearly-full crimson bag rocking on the scale nearby and feel some comfort that this is not some cruel joke or weakness of character on my part to be here in this moment.  There is a sense of predestination in our comradery.

I make myself comfortable as the phlebotomist (BETH) approaches.  She smiles pityingly at me.

“Nervous?”

“A tad.”

“We get that a lot.  It isn’t so bad.  It’s over before you know it.  And I’m real good.”

They all say that.

“Yea, I know.  ‘Everyone who has to stick a needle in someone says they’re good at it.’  But our center has been one of the top donation centers in the region, and they can afford to be picky in who they hire.  I can’t offer you a sedative, because it could contaminate your blood” (no we mustn’t have that, oh no) “but I can tell you I’ll make it as painless as possible.”

Beth ties the tourniquet around my bicep and it hurts, but probably less than the last time I had a tourniquet around my arm (freshman year spring blood drive.  I tried to donate again after learning about my blood type but threw up all over myself, basically in front of the whole school since the drive is always held in the cafeteria.  Why not the gym?  Because the fucking superintendent thought our athletics program was bringing in soOoOoO much money for the district…) and before I pull myself out of my reverie the needle is in the crook of my arm.

My blood is hot and thick.  I can see and feel it, as the beginning of the tube is taped to my forearm and hand.  I watch as it travels down the rubber tunnel, coiling and snaking its way to the first of twelve bags lined up neatly in a row.  A couple extra for safety.  Some people are bigger and have more blood overall.  Or something, I guess.

“It’s ok,” Beth says.

I wonder how many I will fill.

“The first couple of bags are the worst, but they go by fast.”

Andy’s eyelids flutter.  We make some sort of eye contact – he is so pale that it’s hard to tell if it’s meaningful.

“After that you mostly don’t notice.”

He is on bag seven.

“Your blood is flowing relatively quickly.”

I’m so cold.

“We’re ready to start bag two.”

Escape Room: Tournament of Champions

Much like popcorn is essentially a conduit for me to ingest butter, Escape Room:  Tournament of Champions is a means to an end of watching a group of strangers battle to the death. Is it nutritional?  Probably not.  Is it enjoyable?  YES.

There are those audience members, such as my husband and co-producer Travis, who go into a horror movie purely motivated by the curiosity of what unique kills await.  Then there are those of us, such as myself, who want the characters to have something to offer in terms of story development as well.  The first entry in the Escape Room franchise (because, surely, there will be more) gave both sets what they wanted: a setting that offered unique kills that were designed for and motivated by the characters and the mystery that tied them all together.

This entry is tailored to those who liked the escape room setting and the horror entrenched therein.  And make no mistake, each set did offer something new and grotesquely intriguing.  There is tension as the characters oscillate between bickering and synergetic problem solving to escape a literal life-or-death trap.  The climax was expected but the ending ultimately felt well-earned.  However, the characters were unimportant (except for my precious boy Ben.  Nothing must happen to Ben) and the story was ultimately forgettable.

The second film feels more tame because it is more tame – we know the who and the why of it all by the end of the first film.  This means that the second should be bigger and more daring, but it is a PG-13 horror thriller that can’t afford to tank at the box office.  As such, we get a fun enough movie.  It isn’t bad.  But if I had to choose, I’d rewatch the first time and time again, occasionally remembering that the second actually exists.

Also, fuck the trailers.  They spoiled what would’ve been the best parts of the movie.

A Spoiler-Free Review of Spiral: From the Book of Saw

**Note: The was originally written and shared with Google docs on May 18, 2021. We made the decision to move it over to our newly developed website so it could live in our archives.**

“If it’s Halloween, it must be Saw.”

Lionsgate set us up with this Pavlovian response to the month of October more than a decade ago, and yet, after a delayed release due to That Which Shall Not Be Named, we are now expected to pair the Saw extended universe with… Memorial Day?  Mother’s Day?  I don’t know, and I don’t really care, because Saw is back and it’s sleeker and sexier than ever.

Alas, as much as I would love to talk about Billy’s spiral-adorned nipples, I must break the news not to expect much in the way of @jasonebeyer’s proposed puppet that made its rounds online – or even the classic puppet.  Spiral takes a few steps to differentiate itself from its predecessors, most immediately noticeable being the puppet and voice modifications.

Spiral also reportedly received the highest budget of the franchise, and used it to much greater effect than the second-highest budgeted film (*cough* 3D *cough*).  The effects were gross in all the right ways.  The traps themselves make you wonder what this iteration’s de facto Jigsaw had in the way of their own budget, while also being simple in principle.  It felt like a return to the early days of the franchise but with a sense of growth and sophistication that, while it may not be realistic, was respectable.

(Most complex trap:  Seating reservations.  The Cinemark app, for our safety (grateful shout out – we are still in the Bad Times, people), has pre-entry seat selection with a happy little “none shall sit here” Minesweeper-esque bubble that appears around said selection.  You are not allowed to leave single seats.  This is apparently mathematically impossible when you only need 3 tickets. 2/10 nipple spirals for enjoyability, 8/10 nipple spirals for working our brains’ neural elasticity.)

There are arguably fewer twists in Spiral than most viewers have come to expect from the Saw EU.  It is reminiscent of parts 6 (i.e. Saw: HMO) and 7 (3D) in that that every character involved in the main storyline traps was from a similar organization or group, making the “sins” of each “trapee” tied together by a single thread.  Spiral reaches a different conclusion than either of these, however, which somewhat dampens the impact of the signature big twist.

We see plenty of flashback scenes that feed us clues throughout.  I found myself a little bit frustrated at the timing of some of these, as they created pacing issues and ruined any tension that had been building.

The remix that played over the ending credits has been stuck in my head for three days now, and I am in no way mad about it.  The original Charlie Clouser composition was an earworm, and it’s nice to have lyrics to sing along with now.

Overall, if you’re a fan of the Saw movies you will enjoy Spiral.  Don’t go in expecting the exact same thing as the previous 8 and don’t expect complete and total innovation.  It’s a fun movie, and at the end of the day isn’t that what we want?